Thoughts For A Birth Mom from an Adoptive Couple

We adopted our daughter in the State of Arizona. Her birth mother was a young woman who was already raising another child and felt she could not effectively parent both children. We met our birth mom, Mary, within hours after our daughter's birth. We spent 72 hours with Mary until it was time for her to sign consents and say goodbye. These are hours and days that we will treasure forever. Stories that we will share with our daughter when she is old enough to hear and understand. The time spent with our birth mom has allowed us to recognize that our daughter laughs just like her mom, shares the same sparkling eyes or shows that determination we witnessed during our time together. Because of the many conversations we had with our birth mom, we are able to tell our daughter that she has her mom's athletic ability, that she is smart just like her birth mom and that her mom loved her so much that she wanted a life for her with two parents that she was unable to provide for her. We will be able to tell our daughter about her biological grandparents whom we met and about how we all cried when it was time to say goodbye. And we will feel comfortable when our daughter grows up and wants to meet her biological mom because we know what a wonderful woman she is. We understand that this is a need which will complete the person our daughter needs to become.

My daughter's birth mom knows when she took her first steps, that she loves Barbies just like she did when she was young, that she rides a two wheeler without training wheels and that her favorite food is watermelon just like her mom's. She knows these things because we continue to write letters to our birth mom which we send to our attorney who sends them on to Mary.

I have to be honest, when I first heard of the idea of a semi open adoption, I was scared. My first thought was that if a birth mom sees what a beautiful child she placed for adoption, she will want her back. She will be sad. I will feel guilty about taking this child from her. In response to our fears and concerns, our attorney, Michele Jordan, shared these two very different stories with us.

The first was to imagine a child was abandoned at a hospital by their mom who gave birth and decided not to bring the baby home. The baby was then taken to an adoption agency and placed for adoption with a family who knew very little about their child's history. When the child asks questions about her birth mom, the family will have little that they can share with this child and what ever information they have will sound very negative. They will most likely never be able to find their daughter's birth mom in the future.

Imagine a very different story. A birth mom becomes pregnant and after trying every possible means for her to parent her unborn child, she realizes that she wants a future for her child that she cannot provide at that point in her life. This birth mom goes to an adoption attorney and chooses the family who will raise her child. The birth mom looks at profiles and talks with the adoptive couple before she makes a choice. The birth mom and the adoptive couple keep in contact throughout her pregnancy. By the time the baby is born, they feel comfortable with each other. The adoptive couple begins caring for the baby after birth and they spend many hours talking with the birth mom and sharing information with her. There is a celebration dinner on the night the consents are signed. They all cry tears of sadness and happiness when it is time to part. Once the family goes home, they continue to send pictures and letters. When the child is old enough to understand and ask questions, her adoptive parents shares pictures and stories with her about the day she was born, about her wonderful birth mom who loved her so much that she made the ultimate decision - to place her child for adoption so that her child could have the future she wanted for her but could not give her. The adoptive couple tell their daughter that although her birth mom was unable to parent her daughter, that she kept in touch throughout the years and knew about her daughter's life, fulfillment and happiness.

The attorney asked us which story would make our daughter feel better about herself. Of course , the answer was a simple one. It required little thought on our part. The point was that we were not keeping in touch only for the birth mom. We were doing it so our daughter would feel secure, so that she would know about her birth mom and how much she loved her. It would complete the final piece that was missing from our daughter's life. We were doing it out of love for our daughter. How could we choose any other decision!

The thoughts we wish to express to our birth mom is to let her know that we love her and think about her each and every day. That there is not a time that we look at our daughter, that we don't see her in our daughter's eyes and smile. That our lives would never be the same without the generous and selfless decision that she made. She has provided the greatest gift anyone has ever given us. We will never take this for granted and we treasure the day when we all meet again.